How far is the east from the west? It is an interesting question because it can go on forever. Nobody can ever really tell you just how far it is. You would have to set two points on a map. Are you talking about from New York City to Los Angeles? Maybe China to New York?
There are endless answers to that question.
I enjoy listening to Christian music. It helps my soul. it feeds it. It softens it. I’ve always been a person who refuses to feel anything at times because I don’t want to be hurt. Yet Christian music opens me up to feeling. Maybe you know what I am talking about.
So I was listening to this one song be the Casting Crowns called “East to West” and it got me thinking about things. How often do I just sit around and think about my past mistakes? How often do I think about the things that put me in the situation that I am in today: no husband, no children and no career? How often do I think about the nights I spend alone crying myself to sleep or on the train almost in tears because I feel like I have failed everyone around me because I am not where I should be at this stage of my life?
This is who I am. I am a person who dwells on the past. As much as I try not to, I see those around me and where they are in comparison to where I am and I just end up spiraling out of control again. (Yes I suffer from “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. Remember last week’s show?) I start to get scared because I feel like I am not going to be able to get back up this time.
Depression is the scariest thing to deal with for me. It never completely goes away because there is always that stupid voice in the back of your head that keeps coming back to taunt you. It reminds you of your problems, your failures and how you probably will never get to where you have always dreamed of being.
I’ve given up on things like success and marriage. I’ve given up on life at times and just want no part of it. I’ve cried so many tears to the point I can no longer see because they are so swollen. I get these little red spots under my eyes from crying so much.
I’ve screamed, cursed, hit and thrown things. My emotions tend to run high. I’ve completely collapsed from crying. People don’t see this side of me. I don’t let them. Not even my family has completely seen this dark side of me. At least to the fullest extent of it anyway. And they’ve seen a lot. My family has gotten scared that one day I just won’t be around anymore. It is their biggest fear.
And this is where I ended up thinking about this song. Even when I feel like the darkest part of me is coming back, that is when I really do have to just let go and let God.
Sometimes “I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my [past]”. I know His “truth is [sometimes] drowned out by the storm I’m in”. The scary thought is I also feel like “I’m just one mistake away from [Him] leaving me this way”. Where that comes from I don’t know. He has always “turned my darkness into light”. I just always need His “peace to get me through. I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth His word reveals”. There are days when I don’t hold onto Him, but He’s always “holding on to me”.
When it comes His love, there is no such thing as point A to point B. It is infinite.